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Adetoun Adesunloye (1947-2016) An exemplary and dedicated mother indeed

By Editor
06 August 2016   |   1:22 am
Adetoun Adesunloye who has passed on was born in April 1947. There was little immediate sign that she would be in any way remarkable or achieve much when she was born.In a tribute by Peter Aziza, which was made available to The Guardian Adesunloye...
Adesunloye

Adesunloye

Adetoun Adesunloye who has passed on was born in April 1947. There was little immediate sign that she would be in any way remarkable or achieve much when she was born.In a tribute by Peter Aziza, which was made available to The Guardian Adesunloye was a princess, a title that she held with some levity and total playfulness.

Aziza said: “There was no immediate sign that she would be successful. And the fact that she was, is something that neither she nor anyone who knew her would measure in any material wealth because that’s not what counted with her, she was more subtle. The fact that she was successful can be seen by the fact that we’re all here and that we’re not here in tears or tragedy, but rather to celebrate her and her life.

“Now for a long time my mother always made me go to church, the arguments about the specific location of God and Jesus started early, but she maintained that there was something you could get out of church that you couldn’t get at home, and this, being her memorial, I shouldn’t disappoint. Those people who come to the reception might get a gift bag, but here, only here, will you be able to hear something special, and it is the secret of her success.

“You’ll hear a lot about quotes she had, things about kindness, forgiveness and remembering to be grateful, but these weren’t really her quotes, they were more like inspirational sayings she had. There were a few quotes that she had and for me the most important of them, the most defining one for her was this… ‘Simplify your life.’

“My mother, our sister, aunt, friend and soul companion was authentic. Though she could be said to be many things to many people. This was because of the role she played in their lives not because she was a different person. But that wasn’t the source or strength of her authenticity, it wasn’t about being true to others so much as it was about being true to herself.

“In a world in which we acknowledge that we’re born unique, we are all too easily led to live the lives of others, hold the thoughts of others as if they were our own and serve the dreams of others. She didn’t have time for this. Believing in herself made to be her, and that her, made to be good, the fact that she didn’t always fit in didn’t matter. She could be thought of as weird, as different and she could bear that with indifference because she knew that she gave good account to her God and conscience.

“She gave the best of herself to others and that’s all that mattered. That there was nothing complex in this doesn’t mean it was easy. She was raised an Anglican, however, later in life she grew into the belief and to her is the experience of reincarnation, and she held the belief openly. And she must have faced some derision. There aren’t many unmarried women of her generation who believed in such things and are comfortable expressing them but that’s who she was, a different person at 40 than she was at 20, different at 60 from what she was at 40 and only so because she gave herself the space and allowance to do so.”

Aziza continued: “Her journey wasn’t one of adding things, she started from her purest principle, that she was a spark of the Divine and that her path was not to add things to God’s perfection, but to remove that which prevented her from seeing and experiencing it most comprehensively.

“In her 60s she could ride any car she wanted in London, but she took the bus. The finest jewels and fashions were available to her, but she frequently wore a swatch and trainers. And so it was, she reached for nothing and held everything she needed. As much as she could, she removed the human, and let the spirit be. This was her path of simplicity.

She was kind and she was to kindness what Picasso was to painting, or Miles Davis to Jazz. When it came to compassion she was an artist. She wouldn’t say that she was given much patience perhaps, she wouldn’t say that she was given much in the way of vigour to go and sit with her friends day-in-day-out, carry them forward like some of you might be able to. But with what she had, she turned her giving into poetry, like an artist dissolving into their work.

“It was the giving that needed no reciprocation for this wasn’t truly her work, to her it was God’s work. And when I say an art it was something of an art. The floor here would be littered with testimonies if we were asked to write them, the podium occupied till tomorrow if we were asked to speak.

“In our house we’ve always been blessed or graced by having the most decent, honest and wonderful of people come to work with us, people who become like family to us. It is rare that anybody is with us for less than seven years. It is very rare still, that anyone should be asked to leave for any wrongdoing. Nevertheless, it has happened a few times in my life. The only time in the last 10 years was in the case of someone who’d been hired for an office position. Money was discovered to be missing about a month after he’d been hired, as I said, an almost unheard of happening. Through what I can only describe as James Bond means, the culprit was discovered to be this new hire. He was apologetic but he had to go. Some months later, around Christmas, I came back to the house to hear that this character was around. When I asked why I was told that mummy wanted to give him something.

“You can imagine how I marched into the house. How could she even think about giving this man who tried to steal from us money when an argument could be made for giving him handcuffs. She pretty much shrugged and said well, she heard that his wife was pregnant, maybe, maybe if she treated him well, he might take that memory with him, that given a little bit of grace, he might go on and change himself for good.

I am reminded about Les Miserables, a musical which some of you will know. In it the central character is released from prison for stealing a loaf of bread. On his first night free he ends up staying with a priest in a church. While the priest who granted him safe harbour sleeps, the man steals silverware and runs. He’s almost immediately caught and brought back to stand before the priest who tells the policeman that no, the things weren’t stolen, they were a gift to the man and he then hands him two gold candle holders and telling him he forgot to take those. That act of kindness as a grant of grace leads the man Jean Valjean to change his life, becoming a mayor and central hero of the story. It’s a great story, but I don’t know if I would still be moved to agree with its reflection in my mother’s methods, but I know I could never fault her effort.

“Travel light and you travel quickly. Unencumbered by the weight of guilt, or doubt, or need for recognition, for restitution, for validation by others, she was able to move with emotional grace. She also travelled far in spirit. There’s an African proverb that says if you want to go quickly, go alone, if you want to go far, go together. Having taken care of the quickly and easily, she devoted her life very much to her family and as naturally as she could, to sharing the gifts she had, believing that there is no point in talent, in gifts, in being blessed unless that which you’re given, no matter how little, is expressed and shared with the world.

“In this way, she travelled with others, she helped others move, sharing her gifts that they might be theirs too. In turn she learned from others, appreciating their qualities- her good friend Audrey, who she said had the energy of a small sun, always ready to be by a friend in need. My Aunty Iyabo whose capacity to travel and mix and discover new things she loved. Aunty Susan, in who she saw a gracious generosity, Aunty Marlies, Chief Dele Ogendengbe. The list goes on.

She was private and quite reserved, but she played well the hand she was given without reaching and she found that she had the peace and grace to recognise the beauty and gifts of those around her. She didn’t try to be like them and she didn’t need them to be like her and so could walk her path without being encumbered by envy or fear but solely in the knowledge that it was hers to walk and it was laid out in love.

“Finally, she was committed. Okay, I’ll admit that on a number of occasions I swapped ‘committed’ for stubborn and believe me, her devotion, resolve, her determination could overflow into stubbornness on occasions. She had her faults and challenges. However, there was not something to add here and there.
To her, her commitment to spirit didn’t mean she necessarily had to pray more or try to give more, but that she should do less that wasn’t of her higher calling.

“So it was that about 10 years ago that she woke up one morning and realised to her mind that she didn’t need to eat animals and that they deserved to live a full life. That morning she emptied her freezer of all meat and remained a vegetarian from then on. She would still buy meat for the house and for her staff, but for her that was it and by all accounts, she didn’t miss it. And in a world and society in which the winds of change blow daily, in which distraction and false marketing are everywhere to be had, she held onto the centre and was the embodiment of her own authentic integrated experience.

“She believed that we were all going to the same place eventually, some by 1+1+1+1 up to 10, others by 5+5, others by 9+1 and so on, but whatever yours was, it was worth doing well and doing earnestly. She did not play her music for others to hear, rather she danced to her own rhythm and was content to do so. Not trying to lead, nobody could pull her back. Not interested in following, she couldn’t easily be led astray and recognising that it in a world of strange luck, circumstance, Divine grace and mystery, it was the motive and effort that counted, not the result. She was always content. She didn’t try to achieve and that’s why she never failed.

“We are here to celebrate her but she would say that there’s nothing to celebrate, but the oneness from which we all come and to remember our own sacred covenant with our Creator and with our light, to be that which it is given to us to be. It’s not easy and sometimes perhaps it’s damn hard but in the end, the grant of peace, joy and wealth it brings she would say was priceless.
“And it’s not a case of doing more of what you need to, but rather, of being less of what is not you. May we have the simple faith of children and the grace to know our good and God given selves.”

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