Return of the saint

Can you beat this? A young man, named Andrew Bankole, was still a virgin even at 35. It wasn’t that he had no phallus; Andrew had everything a normal male should have, but he felt he must not taint his puritanical background with ‘dirty’ love. He was a brainy and witty young man, about 5ft tall, handsome, charming and of good character.

His parents were very strict disciplinarians, and very religious too. Andrew, the third child in a family of six children, was a graduate of Insurance from the University of Lagos. He had a good job and all the girls and young ladies wanted to have a bite from his ‘sugar stick,’ but he always turned them down and wouldn’t satisfy their yearnings and expectations.

They swooned and fantasised over him, wondering how good he would be on bed. Andrew had vowed to break his virginity only on his wedding night. He promised to marry a very chaste, pure and God-fearing virgin like himself.

Being a virgin at 35, to some people, was queer and unusual, but to the Bankoles, it was a way of life. Andrew’s parents were very strict, even to a fault. They brought up all their children in a very ascetic and morally-upright way. This way of life almost ostracised Andrew from his friends and peers.

While some of his friends were busy rollicking and wallowing in romance adventures, talking about their dates and girlfriends, he was always busy with his academic books and the holy book.

He could be called ‘Mr. Holy,’ with regards to his philosophy about life, always focused and level-headed about life.

He only cared about the spiritual and extraterrestrial life, like some monks did in the days of yore. Nothing related to social life interested him. Some of his friends nicknamed him ‘Acada’ because of his love and passion for immersing himself in book-learning and education. He led a totally secluded life, as most people who are addicted to books and intellectual life are thought to be selfish, rigid and non-conformist.

There was a particular girl that fancied Andrew and loved him so much despite his rigidity that she would always chat him up at the university library. Her name was Vera. She was very beautiful and sexy-looking, who had the carriage of a beauty queen. She tried very hard to woo Andrew and win his love, but he was too strict, hard and stern for her liking. But she just wouldn’t give up easily, despite these blunt and severe obstacles.

When Vera tried all the tricks in ‘romance encyclopaedia’ and Andrew didn’t fall for her bait, she became very angry and taunted him with unprintable names, such as ‘impotent man, monk, castrated fellow and celibate.’ To all these derogatory nicknames, Andrew remained unmoved, unshakeable and adamant. Vera later left him for another guy.

Andrew’s close pals always wondered how he coped with his ‘strange’ way of life, but to all their negative words and entreaties, he had a ready-made answer: “I’m going to marry a virgin like myself and nobody can stop that. Let gossips and scandal-mongers go to hell!”