‘He Uses My Past Against Me’
REALLY, I would say I have a very horrible past most especially sexually and emotionally. I’ve been raped on numerous occasions and never told anyone cause I believed it was my fault and was scared that no one would ever believe me.
Also, I was from a separated home, my mum wasn’t really there for me, as she was already living with someone else and I was scared to live with my father who wasn’t just an alcoholic. I could also remember each time he had a fight with my mum, he would always emphasize in knowing who was truly my biological father, to mention but a few.
So most times I stayed around the same people that did these things to me. Also it made out by them to be normal behavior and they were not horrible to me after it seems now that obviously they were trying to keep me onside. I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and three months and things were great at first except for a few minor issues. Then when we just met.
He asked about my past and I knew he would hate me so I lied for the best part of a year. Now I’ve told him everything and it’s like he uses it against me in arguments or if something annoys him. Also, he keeps telling me I should go to the police (it’s been five years) I don’t feel emotionally stable enough to do this and I have tried telling him. He calls me names when we argue like slag, sneaky and even says that I enjoyed/loved that time of my life.
I am suffering with severe depression and have been for most of my life. I’m sorry for the bad things I’ve done and actually hate myself because of it. I’m trying to get help from a psychiatrist and this is really the period that I need him most. I am 23 years of age. He always says sorry after I cry and tells me he’s proud of how much I’ve changed. I love him so much but I honestly want to die when this keeps happening. What can I do?
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