Ask Zeezee – Trust Issues
Q: My husband and I bought a plot of land a few years ago, on the outskirts of Lagos. A few weeks ago, my husband asked me to follow him to go and check on the land and upon getting there I realised he had built a house on the land. I was very surprised because I didn’t know anything about this project but my husband said the reason he didn’t tell me is because he wanted to surprise me. I also found out that the way he kept me from knowing about this was by having his younger brother manage the entire project on his behalf. I do not want to sound ungrateful because I know he is doing all these things for our future, but to be honest, I am also hurt because this is not a small project and I didn’t even know my husband had this kind of money because we sometimes have challenges paying the school fees for the children. I brought this to my husband’s attention and he got very upset with me, calling me ungrateful. Please ZeeZee, am I being ungrateful? What do I say to him to make him understand? Please help.
A: I don’t believe you are being ungrateful. I think the real issue here is trust, between you and your husband. The reason this bothers you is because it is difficult to trust anyone who keeps important information and decisions away from you. My advice is that since this has already happened, you must find a way to move on but also make sure you communicate your true feelings to your husband in order to avoid a similar reoccurrence in the future. I would suggest that in discussing this issue with him, you do not blatantly tell him that you do not trust him as this will only make him feel attacked and cause him to respond negatively. I suggest you let your husband know that one of the reasons you are upset is because you feel like you were not given the opportunity to contribute to a project this important to the entire family. Make him realise that you want to be more than just ‘the wife’ he takes care of, but also his partner in this journey of life you are building together. Let him know that you want to be able to make your own contributions to important decisions like these. I hope this helps.
Q: I recently got engaged to a guy I really love. He loves me too and though there are aspects of our relationship I am not quite comfortable with (we have very different interests), he is quite committed to this relationship and reassures me that they will change when we settle down together. I would like to go for pre-marital counseling, but have heard horror stories about how engagements break off after sessions like these. Do you think I should risk my engagement by going to these sessions?
A: Congratulations on your engagement. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think the real issue is one of two things; It’s either deep in your heart, you don’t really believe your fiancé when he says things will change after you get married or there are other things about him that you have found out, which you have not fully come to terms with. I believe you are afraid. Counselling will force you to address these issues head on. My advice to you is to ask yourself, “What truth am I not really telling myself?” You will find freedom to make the best decision for your future in this answer. All the best!
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ZeeZee is a certified Relationship Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip people with the right tools for a successful relationship – with themselves and others. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.
Visit Me On The Web: http://zeezeeio.com