Q:

Good morning Dr Maymunah.

I am a 26-year-old dance instructor and I’m in a relationship with a 30-year-old music producer. I know for a fact that he loves me because he treats me like a queen. He respects me as a woman and respects my opinion on issues we discuss on, he gives me whatever I ask for if he can afford it and if he can’t he looks for ways to make it up to me. I know other women will kill to be in my shoes but I just can’t shake off the feeling that I am not happy in this relationship and I just want out. How can I call off the relationship without hurting his feelings so bad to avoid him acting irrationally towards himself or me?
– Ebiere, Delta state

A:

Good day to you too, Ebiere.

Thank you for writing, sharing your challenge and, most importantly, being honest about it. Not everyone will admit to this. Here is my advice on how you can manage this situation. Do know that whatever the outcome, find peace within you.

Tell him how you feel

It is important that he knows how you feel. If you don’t feel the same way as he does and still you worry about him, you should let him know. Being sentimentally attached to someone will not help you or your relationship with him; it will only destroy both of you in the long run. Tell him and maybe he can help change how you feel which makes things easier. This is happening nowadays, it is called “rekindling the love.” Don’t be in a haste to end it all because the relationship isn’t working right now. Like you said, “other women will kill to be in your shoes”. Do remember that what you don’t have you can’t give. A good conversation with him will surely help.

Delay only makes it more difficult

If you keep telling yourself that you can work things out and you just have to cope with it or you are afraid of what he might do to you or himself, you will stay and look for a better opportunity to do it and after much effort and conversations, you will still feel the same. I tell you there will not be a better opportunity and the longer you wait the harder it becomes to break off the relationship. Trust me, there is no easier way. The earlier you break it off the better for both of you. Delay can be dangerous especially if you think he may harm you or himself.

It’s not you, it’s me

When you are telling him how you feel, try as much as you can to make him realise that what you feel and the break up is not his fault. Don’t just say “it is not you, it’s me”, tell him how you really feel. For example, you appreciate what he is doing for you but you just don’t feel the spark or chemistry between both of you any more or if there is someone else, just come out with it and be honest about it. Try as much as possible not to hurt him as bad as the situation may be because whether you like it or not break up is a painful process for anyone that is and has been in a relationship. So, try and be gentle with him and be mindful of the way he may react.

All the best, Ebiere.