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A Baby Will Give You A Run For Your Money

By Njideka Agbo

28 July 2019   |   6:15 am

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“Aww, my ovaries.” The picture the you took of your friend and her baby has caught your attention again. But it is not the friend that looks attractive. It is her melanin skin that glows like the sun. Did her smile just make your heart flutter? “Awww…God please.” While you admire her soft skin not…

Baby and Parents. Photo gadflyonthewallblog

“Aww, my ovaries.” The picture the you took of your friend and her baby has caught your attention again. But it is not the friend that looks attractive. It is her melanin skin that glows like the sun. Did her smile just make your heart flutter? “Awww…God please.”

While you admire her soft skin not bruised from the pimples ad spots that has sworn to trouble you, she smiles in her sleep. “Aww, God when?”

By this time, you are seriously considering your boyfriend. Having a baby with the love of your life would look good you know. The pre-baby photoshoots, the surprise baby showers, the “I’m-pregnant, make-way-for-me” entitlement, the ‘Hebrew woman’ delivery thanksgiving, and the ‘aww, God’ when on your photos. Of course, boyfriend who loves you now will love you forever and you’d take turns to clean and take photos. You imagine the captions… my heartbeat, the love of my love, I’d give you everything I have… actually, having a baby sounds like fun.

You post the picture and everyone in the thread thinks same. Then, the devil, rears its head. She is a young mother who is nursing her first child.

Like a ferocious beast, she launches her attack: She reminds you that in the US where assistance is needed, it costs N4,564,800 to raise a child in his first year but in Nigeria, God when is not so pleasant.

Prenatal and Delivery Costs: Pray for the Hebrew woman delivery style. Tell your family to enter a fast and ask for forgiveness of all their sins, their yet-to-be-committed ones because you’d need it. If the doctor calls for a C.S, that means the devil is at work and he wants you to spend more money, the N250,000 you saved for house rent. You better pray. After all, you need to visit your religious organisation for a safe delivery thanksgiving.

Diapers: She is convinced that the diapers market are out to punish you for your baby’s poop. For people who know that the average baby uses about 2,500 diapers in their first year, you’d think that there would be massive support from the industries but no, one diaper costs N3,900. Your mum used reusable napkins, Next!

Baby Necessities: From the N100,000 car seat to the N15,000 crib to the N20,000 stroller to the baby bath tub to the crib sheets.. she reminds you that faith without works is dead. And that aunty that promised you a crib said it out of excitement.

FORMULA AND FOOD:$500 OR HIGHER
She sends a picture of avatar. It is obvious that her breasts are fallen. This will be your fate if you breastfeed a lot. You’ve got two options: Breastfeed or get formulas. If you choose to breastfeed, the possibility of maintaining the firmness of the breast will drop and you still have to buy pump parts and another thing the seller will tell you is a necessity. And when the baby formulas of N3200 finishes after two days and you need to maintain this after six months, may God ‘safe’ you.*

PACIFIERS, CLOTHING AND TOYS
Of course, the cute baby needs to bein a ‘I Love My Mummy’ captioned cloth with a cute pacifier and toys for the crib. Ooh we forgot, there is the thrift shop which would require about N300,000.

PEDIATRICIAN VISITS AND MEDICINE
Nursery rhymes don’t sound so nice anymore because you and the little one have now become regulars at the paedetrician. And the cost of those drugs? “God abeg”

CHILDCARE
Your boyfriend is jobless and the 100,000 naira in your account is all you saved while you were in school. But the baby must come first.

COLLEGE SAVINGS: $600 OR HIGHER
And then comes, the kindergarten school fees…
So much for a young mother acting like her advice is valid after spending less than 3 years married. ‘Why can’t women support other women? The sweet little angel does not deserve this venom.’ *Blocked*

What could get worse?