When money stops flowing – Part 2

Some friends reacted to the topic of last week. And I dare say their responses brought a fresh perspective to the matter. “It seems you are a nice man but not a very clever guy; secondly, women do not like “nice guys’’. They want dependable guys whom they can lean on emotionally. To qualify, you might need to learn how to make pragmatic decisions like nicely explaining to your wife the merits of seeking first the kingdom of N50 million, so that all other things can be added unto her in the UK.

Lastly, to answer your direct end-question, every woman appreciates a good man; it’s just that “good” in a man is best defined as that man that speaks the love language of his wife or love interest. Go learn this and your next woman will appreciate you. If you think a woman will love you just because you washed plates or bathed the kids, you are kidding. For some women, it might even work against you. Bros, know yourself, and then know your woman.

Your greatest error was lack of due diligence before marriage. Guy, be sharper next time but try not to let this experience colour your next marriage. Sounds hard and tough? Yes, it is but worth it!

One more piece of advice – as painful as this situation is, if you want to maintain a good relationship with your kids, please try to curtail your ill-feelings towards their mother. Children will never understand and accept anyone hating their mother; it’s just how it is. This is why you never hear songs like “sweet father” even from men who themselves are fathers.’’

Read another friend…
“You have been married for 13 years. All was well for the first nine years until you decided that she should live abroad. You moved there four years ago and in that time your marriage disintegrated so much that you are now filing for a divorce. In the UK you have no job so you went from a man who handles N50m projects to someone maintaining a family on benefits.

You may not realise this, but if you are living on benefits, you are actually living in poverty. Four years of living on benefits is bound to take its toll on any marriage especially for people who have lived fairly comfortably in Nigeria. Your wife may not have handled herself perfectly, but you cannot lay all the blame at her door. You both made wrong choices and you are having difficulty dealing with the consequences.

Living in UK is hard on Nigerian couples most especially when there is no reasonable income. Of course you have fallen in her eyes. She doesn’t need to say it and she does not need to act it. You feel it and everything she says or does will be for you a reminder that you are not doing okay and that she must be judging you. If she laughs with her friends, she is laughing at you or she should not be talking with them, she should be attending to you. She will have to walk on egg-shells around you and your ego, but nothing she does will be enough. If she is over-familiar with you, which is natural for couples who have lived together for a long time, it will be regarded as disrespect. Things that you may have overlooked will be blown out of proportion simply because your ego is fragile.

Why is it that a lot of Nigerian ladies don’t appreciate a good man? It depends on the definition of a good man. Majority of women will tell you that a good man is one who stands up to his family and defends them or one who pays their bills and provides them with a comfortable life. One who does not judge you and everything you do. One who accepts you for who you are and makes the best of all challenges?

Divorce? You can try it but it is not always the best solution. Who says the next person you meet will not have faults or will tolerate yours any better? Can you deal with the complications of step-mother and possibly a step-father for your children?

There is nothing in what you have written that suggests that divorce is the only option. You are just two people who are disappointed with life in the UK and you are unwilling to look at other solutions. UK gets anyone down even those with an income. The people are unfriendly, the environment is harsh and you spend the better part of the year in dreary miserable winters. That’s enough to drive anyone into depression but guess what? It is even worse when you are alone.’’