The power of saying ‘No!’

Are you one of us? The ones who say yes to everything. The ones who cannot imagine saying no to anything or anyone, even situations call for our ‘No’ to be very loud and very vocal? If you’ve read (or heard about) Shonda Rhimes book – ‘Year of Yes,’ then you’re going to think “well Francesca, isn’t saying ‘No’ rather antithetical to personal growth and development? Shouldn’t we always open our arms (and lives) wide to everything that life throws at us?” My response: “No honey.” and I’ll provide some context.

I see people every day, working on projects they don’t like, attending meetings and events they don’t need, and living lives they don’t want. I see career women frazzled and overwhelmed at work, because they’ve taken on tasks that they have no capacity (or energy) for; why? Because they want to be liked. Heaven forbid if they say “Sorry. No, I can’t take this on right now.” Will the skies tumble down? No. But they are so fearful, that they’d rather chose being liked over their mental, emotional and physical well-being. News flash: being “good” or “nice” doesn’t necessarily get you the corner office with views.

Or how about those who are so agreeable. The ones who sometimes value “peace” over the truth or honesty? Those who don’t want to upset anyone or challenge the status quo. Those who would rather die in silence than give voice to their discomfort? Those who instead of saying “No, this thing doesn’t work for me and I want you stop,” would rather tip-toe around the edges of their pain and live in denial. If something doesn’t work for you, how about just saying

“No.” Why is that one short word so hard to say? Why do we give room to toxic people and situations in our lives?
I’ll tell you why. And I stand to be corrected but it seems that women find it harder to say no. Perhaps, because we are socially conditioned to be nurturers, we instinctively want to keep the peace and maintain the equilibrium.

So even when we are suffering, we will not rock the boat, because, social conditioning. We (erroneously) think saying “No” makes us bossy, aggressive and disagreeable? And what’s the result of that? Stressed out, angry, bitter and emotionally broken women all around. Because no one has taught us the power of saying “No.” So we are saying “Yes” to everything, even to the things that damage and deplete us.

I’m guilty of this too, so y’all are not alone. I’ve said yes to things I should have said no to. I’ve said yes to opportunities (and people), I should have said no to. I have preferred being liked over being true and honest to myself. Because every time I said “Yes” when I should have said “No,” I’ve given away my peace of mind, my genuineness and my authenticity.

I’ve had to smile through gritted teeth, while wishing whatever it was – (a wrong relationship, an event I shouldn’t have attended or an inappropriate situation), away. Every time I’ve said “Yes” instead of “No” I’ve given something (or someone) power over me. I’ve allowed negative energy into my space, and I’ve suffered greatly for it.

In her book, ‘Year of Yes’ Shonda Rhimes says: “Difficult conversations are sometimes necessary for personal growth and for the health of your relationships and the people who love you will want to grow along with you. Learn to say ‘no’ to things and people that are sucking the life out of you.

When you understand that you deserve good things, saying ‘no’ to the bad things becomes so much easier.”

So there you have it. By all means, say “Yes,” many good things come your way when you do that. But also learn to say “No,” because sometimes, even better, miraculous things happen to you as well. Selah.