The hall of insta-nt pet hates

Ever since Apple introduced us to Screen Time – a new feature of iOS 12 – giving us just another reason to absent-mindedly pick up our phone and add to the meticulously monitored screen time we spend absent-mindedly scrolling, pinching and staring, I’ve been ever so slightly obsessed with checking the time I spend on my phone daily in a bid to reduce my average seven hours 15 minutes per day.

When I drill down ahead of the game are social media such as Facebook and Whatsapp, which I do not mind as much because where else do you arrange a night out with friends or remind hubby to pick up milk on the way home? Facebook I can almost justify as admittedly we no longer use the social platform as we used to poking and prodding people we had a passing acquaintance with back in high school. We’re more grown up about it now – sharing articles, RSVPing community events with the occasional cat video or two to share. Okay, perhaps the latter is just me then.

Giving a semblance of adulting is the News app which makes the top ten, which I admittedly spend a good half hour on every night to catch up on the day’s news. Also useful, hence perhaps categorised under ‘reading and reference’ is Google Maps – the best friend for those of us who have no sense of direction. Being a keen photographer, I can even stomach spending an average of two hours on the Photos app.

What I am not proud to admit is the top app I seem to use daily averaging a whopping six hours 27 minutes. Instagram.Even a love of good photography doesn’t justify spending so much time on a platform, once the daily haunt of talented photographers, now the playground for millions of influencers, ‘public figures’, bloggers and those of us with no claim to internet fame. For every beautiful landscape photo of the Blue Lagoon in Iceland to hot air balloon in Cappadocia, there’s a multitude of sins we are confronted by daily.

So in a bid to curb my six hour plus fixation on the app and to help you along the way I had no choice but focus on all the things I dislike about Instagram.

Avocado on toast… or avocado… or toast
Do we blame the millennials for this? Surely there have been reports that splashing all their cash on avocado brunches is the reason why millennials can’t get on the housing ladder. This may be just a tad far-fetched. Regardless though, as a person who doesn’t care for avocados, I am so over seeing them on my feed.

Sausage legs
Sausages or legs? Legs or sausages? Of course you’ve seen one or two hundred of these during your time on the ‘gram. Often with the sea in the background, two burned go crisp skinny legs that look more like sausages. This, however, is not the only horror holidaymakers fling on us… Which brings me to…

The obligatory sunbathing on a float in the pool picture
Granted, a gigantic float, a St Tropez worthy tan and lying on your back stretching your legs do wonders for how slim you look in images, but ladies, this shot is getting old and you’re not impressing anyone. Okay maybe some of us, a little bit.
#Ihavethisthingwithfloors

Okay, just because the tiles or the original floorboards are swoon-worthty doesn’t mean we need to see anyone’s big old feet. Plus, @ihavethisthingwithfloors will never repost your picture so get over it.

Gym selfies
Great, you work out, clap for yourself. Then kindly put your shirt back on and step away from the mirror.

Healthy portion of flesh served with a spiritual caption
Babe, we get. You are trying to sell your market, but please, you’re not fooling anyone with that inspirational quote about loving yourself as you are or being a Spartan warrior queen. You can either be spiritual guru or digitally enabled Aristo chick in the making – not both at once.

DM slides
Especially the ones which come following a story share and have that one-word universe-defining question: “What’s up?” If you’re going to slide into the DM of someone you don’t even know at least have the decency to say something profound, or hold your peace.