Journey to self – Part 2
When I was in my late teens, my mother used to tell me a woman was like a flower. According to her, a woman starts out as a little bud holding within her a lot of potential, then the little bud blossoms into a beautiful flower with the sweetest fragrance possible and then after a while…the colours on the flower begin to fade and eventually new flowers spring up around it and its “time in the sun” as she called it would come to an end.
My mother always used this analogy in the context of marriage, as she encouraged me to get married while I was young and “in full bloom”. I never paid much attention to this but as my sessions with Kola my therapist intensified, I began to see it in another light.
I was indeed like a flower but I felt like a flower who had never really blossomed. For some reason, I had gone from small bud straight to fading flower. I had never been in full bloom. I was beginning to discover who I really was at a time when I had made a lot of defining decisions already. I was becoming detached from my existing world, and entering into a world of my own. Everyone attributed it to my recent accident or the tension between Tunji and me.
Onyeka my best friend however, was not buying any of these explanations and so after an entire week of trying to reach out to me; she eventually decided to give me some space. I was finally settling into my own world, when Tunji decided it was time for us to have “the talk”. I was not ready and so I ignored all his calls and messages and then one morning, he just showed up.
It was a little past 7am and I was still in bed. I heard a knock on the door. I knew it was not my mother because my parents were out of town and so I ignored it but the knocking continued. I grumbled as I walked to the door, I opened it and found Tunji standing there.
I couldn’t hide the shock on my face. I hadn’t seen him in over two weeks. He looked good and I looked like a hot mess. My hair was all tousled and my room was in a complete state of chaos.
“You should have called first”. I said as I left him standing in the doorway and headed back to my bed.“I tried but you ignored my calls and messages”. He said following me into the room after shutting the door firmly behind him.
I ignored his statement and sat on the bed.“Your cast is off. How’s your leg now”? He asked stretching out to touch my leg. I instantly adjusted so he couldn’t reach me. He smiled and sat next to me. We remained quiet for a few minutes and then he asked.
“Is the idea of being married to me so horrible that you decided to create so much drama and also get yourself killed in the process”? He asked with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
I knew he didn’t get it. It was not his job to get it. I created the mess and I was responsible for resolving it.“Tunji to be honest, all that has happened these last couple of months has had absolutely nothing to do with you. It has just be me trying to find my place in the world and not wanting to subject you to being stuck with a woman who is sooo…” I couldn’t find the right word to use.
“A woman who is so what…Adesewa? Look I have handled all your tantrums since you were eighteen. I thought you would have outgrown this behaviour by now but obviously you haven’t”. Tunji said jumping to his feet. I could tell he was angry.
It was hard to have a conversation with him without him flaring up. I thought it was normal because my father was exactly the same way but my sessions with the therapist had made me realise that one of my major problems was the fact that I often held back my opinions because I wanted to keep the peace. I often reserved my comments and just went ahead with whatever I was instructed to do. This was one of such times and so I kept quiet and waited for him to finish.
“I thought we could iron things out but clearly you have given up on this relationship. The wedding is off and so is our relationship”. He was heading for the door and tears welled up in my eyes as I watched him leave. I didn’t know why I was crying and I also didn’t know why he was leaving or why he had even come in the first place. Somehow I got the courage to ask him the one question I had always wanted to ask him.
“Tunji, why did you decide I was the one for you”?He stopped in his tracks and looked at me in shock.“We have been together for almost ten years! What is your point?” Tunji asked me.
“Apart from all the years we have spent together and the fact that our parents are friends, what else makes you so convinced we are meant to be together”? I asked.He walked out without a response and I knew I had my answer. He had absolutely no idea why he wanted to marry me.
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