Infrequent repeat offender



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Dear Ego,

Please help me if you can. I have been married for four years now and have a three-year-old son and a nine-month-old daughter. Domestic violence from my husband was part of our courtship and unfortunately, it keeps reoccurring in our marriage. Lately in front of the kids. Unfortunately, my son is starting to understand the unpleasantness of my husband’s anger and I have noticed he gets quite nervous now when he hears sudden noise in the home. It’s easy for people to judge and ask why anyone will stay in a marriage where there is violence but it’s not as simple as it sounds. My husband is an infrequent repeat offender. He could hit me once a year and behave himself for the rest of the year and be a good husband. He has gotten better with time and the arrival of the kids. He used to hit me much more frequently when we were dating but then he would apologise and tell me it was because he cared so deeply for me that I could provoke him to such lengths. At the time it made sense because only people close to you bring out the best/worst in you. Making up after fights was good back then and we became closer after each fight. My only concern now is the kids. Having said all of this when I took my wedding vows and said ‘till death do us part’ I meant it and don’t intend to leave my marital home because I have the odd misunderstanding with my husband here and there.
Bola O.

Dear Bola,Marriage tends to come with a lot of compromises in order for it to work, but compromising your safety and your life is a NO NO!

I know you love your husband but he needs to get some help. Healthy love is never violent! Violence is never an act of love! Please don’t let this cloud your judgment.

Confide in someone you know he would listen to, and have the person have a proper one on one with him. Since it is occasional, I am of the opinion that there is something that triggers it; he may need to open up so you can figure out what triggers it and how to handle it.
Having said that, it is not healthy for your children to see you fighting! Don’t wait for the next time he hits you before you act on this. You seem to be okay with it being once in a while, but my dear once in a while is enough to leave you severely injured or scarred for life.
Please keep the DW community updated as you resolve this issue. We would love to hold your hand through this journey. Keep Sparkling!
Lady Ego

Dear Bola, let me ask you something? Are you by any chance related to Mohammed Ali? The reason I ask is that you don’t seem scared to take a punch from your husband!

First of all, let me say that in all my days I have never supported domestic violence but since you seem firm in your decision to stay in your marital home with your husband in spite of his violent attacks; then let me tell you about my latest community project – WWF (WIVES WITH FISTS).
WWF is specifically designed for wives of men who have turned their bedrooms to an extension of the World Wrestling Federation. My WWF training scheme gives wives of abusive men specialised self-defence and spousal retaliation training. We teach wives how to rehabilitate their abusive spouse with heavy-handed wrestling techniques using domestic appliances and their fists. Research has shown that men only beat their wives when they know there will be no serious consequences for their actions. Women who fight back when being beaten by their husbands have reported a complete turnaround in their mates desire to attack them.
Obviously, Bola WWF is just a fantasy of mine. However, I highly recommend you start taking self-defense classes to protect you and your kids against your husband. Your insistence to put up with his violent ways means you are in for a long hard fight dear…
..but please keep us posted!

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