Relationships: Going through your man’s phone

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As a woman, is it right to snoop around checking your mans phone? Have you ever thought to yourself “is he cheating?” Have you ever had a persistent little voice in your head whisper “go on, read his text messages when he is not looking, what harm can it do?” Well I have wondered and I took that little peek and voila, he was cheating.

As someone who has been there, I can tell you that finding the proof is not the defining moment in the whole ordeal. The most critical moment comes way before that. It is the second that something in your gut makes you uneasy.

Many times you already know the answer, even before you unlock his phone, and you have probably already stopped investing in your relationship.

To be clear, I do not condone snooping on your partner’s phone, and I do not condone cheating. I had never snooped before, and I have never snooped since (even after being burned). Snooping for me is the last resort, signaling the end of a healthy relationship. If I can break his trust by invading his privacy, something is broken and it is probably beyond fixing.

But I know it is not the same for everyone, and for every relationship. Maybe you suspect something is just about to happen, and if you can find out in time, you can change the course of events before things get out of hand. Maybe there are deeper issues at stake. Everyone has a different story and a different set of personal boundaries.

While writing this article I had an interesting chat with someone who is “the keeper” of all her partner’s passwords and codes. She even checks his emails for him when he is away, so this situation would never come up in their relationship. However, she agreed that it could come up in the form of another boundary that has been set, and should not be crossed.

All that I am suggesting is that you do the following before you read his messages:

* Take a quiet moment and think about your relationship. What is good? What’s bad? What could you do to make it better? What could he do to make it better? Is there a communication problem? Do you feel taken for granted? Does he?

* Sit down with your partner and have an open discussion. Tell him how you feel without pointing any fingers, and then make solid plans together to change the situation. For example: organize a holiday or a weekend for two. It does not have to be an expensive trip – just something fun.

Divide the housework differently. Send each other cute messages throughout the day instead of boring grocery lists or “did you do xyz yet?” messages. Invest in change.

* Ask yourself whether your suspicion is because of him, or because of you. Has he been acting strange, or done something recently that has made you suspect unfaithfulness? Or, could it just be your own insecurities getting the better of you? If it is you, stop. Do not let a few moments of personal insecurity break a line of trust between yourself and the man you love.

If all else fails, and you still want to take a gander at his messages, then you better be ready to walk, because you risk tearing apart any trust left in your relationship. Trust takes years and years to build up, and looking at his messages is like taking a sledgehammer to it.

The desire to snoop on your partner never comes from a good place, and it is something that should not be done lightly. If you even start to think about reading his text messages, you need to start looking at the bigger picture: what is causing this, how far will you go, and how much are you willing to lose?

To peek or not to peek, that is the question and only you know the answer.

To our relationship. Cheers.

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