You Don’t Have To Play The Detective
SUSPICIOUS that her husband of five was having an affair, Mary, not her real name swung into action. She did not confront her husband; she could not because she had no proof. To have that proof, she went through his text messages and searched the pockets of his trousers. She got what she wanted, but it turns out that the secret woman was his sister who was struggling with her own issues and leaning only on the only relative she has for strength; all the secrecy was because he did not want to involve his wife at that point in time.
Why did she put herself through so much trouble of suspicion? Mary is not the only one who thinks that suspicion makes her seem loving or powerful and in-charge of her relationship. Many women have that opinion; they think that snooping would help them to put a stop to a budding illegal affair, deal with issues and make them feel closer to their partners.
Snooping or spying spoils any relationship, including marriages. Look at it this way; A friend you have always enjoyed close confidences with becomes secretive all a sudden. You feel concerned, naturally. So you begin to watch her every movement without her knowing what you are up to. Finally your work pays off and you catch her red handed. Surprisingly, her secret concerns her mother and not your fear that she is seeing your boyfriend behind you.
You feel ashamed though because for all your invading her privacy, that you could not do much to help her. Also, that whatever you have discovered that you would not like to discuss with another person.
You would not want her to know that you pried so much that you found out on your own what she has not told you yet.
The same respect should apply when you deal with your better half.If you spy on him to get information, you have violated his privacy. You have your own secrets which you have not told him or ever intend to share with him. You should not act based on that erroneous saying that lovers should not have secrets between them. If it applies, why have not bared your skeletons to him if you really believe that?
If you think that he is keeping something from you; something you think you must know, ask him. The result of your spying would not make your relationship better if it is already in trouble. At that moment, an argument may postpone the eventual split-up, he may tell you that there would not be repeat of what he has done. But he would like the way you went through his things without his knowledge and that may bring resentment. If the reason he did those things were not sorted out properly, he may do the same thing again, but he will be careful to cover his path the next time.
You have right to know what he is hiding, but the issue is that you may not be able to handle what you uncover; if his phone messages hint at an affair, it may stil not be enough to embark on a spying mission because it is only a suspicion; you have feeling that there is a wrong doing but that text message has not revealed enough to make a case. So you have your suspicion, but they make you unhappy because you do not know your stand; not knowing your stand makes you uncertain because you do not know whether to confront him and risk the harm to a relationship that has been happy until now.
Snooping is harmful to a relationship because it involves secrecy; one of you is having an affair or is engaged in something he tries to shield from the other. It may be that you spy because you were no longer sure of your place in there. The relationship has either lost the sparkle or is gradually being over taken by events you feel helpless to handle; in other words, there is no love, trust and respect-key ingredients of a healthy union. But the problem is the suspicious partner, not the one suspected.
A partner may resort to spying because to protect herself from being hurt. But playing the detective is to be discouraged because it can topple within a few weeks a union you have built diligently and loving over a period. Two people being described as one in a marriage should not think that they have given a go-ahead to violate the other’s privacy. You are guilty if you look into his personal life uninvited; you should not force yourself into your partner’s life without him calling you in.
If you think that he is doing what he should not do, confront him right away. He could lie to you or may ignore your question. Be humorous about it; the prompt way you tackle it will make him think over what he is doing. That is what is meant when it is said that a couple should have no secret from each other.
But if you find it difficult to make light of it, insecurity has taken over and it is possible that your relationship is in trouble. If you can’t discuss your fears with him, tell close friends and family you trust their judgment.
If you suspect that he does wrong, tell him why you suspect him, if he does not reassure you, then go behind and gather your evidence. But make sure that your think that what you turn up would not make unhappy. You will feel disappointed, but what would you do with the information? Will it bring an end to the relationship; will you work harder at it? Do you think he will cooperate? If the secret is an affair, know that you should throw away what can be redeemed by calling it quits. You can have your relationship and may be happier because of that experience.