When He is Cheating

PHOTO: www.capitalfm.co.ke

PHOTO: www.capitalfm.co.ke

OF all the fears we women have in love and life, being cheated on by the man we love is the biggest one.

It is painful, humiliating and spirit-breaking and if it is happened to you before, then you know that words cannot describe the emotional torture.

But what causes cheating? Why do men cheat? Are all men simply jerks who cannot commit or are we part of the problem somehow? Most importantly, what can we do to prevent it? These are the questions we ask ourselves each and every time.
Most women think men cheat because they cannot stick to one woman or because that is how they are designed, to sow their wild oats or because all men are psychotic deep inside.

It is actually none of the above. One thing you must know is that it is never easy to find out that your spouse has been cheating.

Whether you discover a series of texts on your husband’s phone, you get a phone call at work from the irate wife of the man she claims your wife is having an affair with or you find condoms in your spouse’s pocket or car or bag, you are devastated. 

Hot with anger at the sense of betrayal, hot and torn between murderous thoughts and tossing his thing out the window.

Your head is spinning because you do not know what to do with the information? How should you respond? Is there hope for your marriage or relationship? Do you even care?

You should know that first comes the confrontation. Take a deep breath, lots of them. Take a long walk, if possible to get some air or talk to a trusted confidant who will support you and give appropriate responses.

At this point, you do not need anyone to make you angrier or more hurt than you already are. You do not need anyone to stir up the fire; you need someone who will validate your pain and help you think through things as calmly as possible.

When you are thinking a little clearer; when you and your spouse are alone and not in front of the children, state the facts. Avoid accusing, blasting, attacking.

“I got a phone call today from so, so, so and so.  She said you are having an affair with her husband.” or “I found these condoms in your brief case” or I found a string of “sexts” to your boss on your phone, etc.”

Then ask an open question: “What is going on?”

Your spouse will likely be defensive or turn the tables on you. “Why were you in my briefcase or bag or snooping around? What were you doing looking through my phone?”

He/she will likely deny anything is going on. If that is the case, keep your cool and stay focused on the topic. 

“Please, tell me about the sexts. Yes, there are other issues we need to talk about, but right now, I am asking about the communications with your boss.”

If they refuse to answer and continue to turn the tables on you and you are reasonably certain that you are correct, be firm and insist that they come clean. 

“Did you have sex with so, so and so? Are you seeing someone else? Obviously, there is something going on and we need to talk about it.”

If your spouse does admit to it, but minimises it by saying it was a one-night stand or it was a mistake or blames you to justify it, understand that it may take a while for the truth to come completely out in the open.

At this point, it is very vital to get some counseling from whoever you deem fit. It could be your pastor or someone who is elderly and you trust.

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